is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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