I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
