Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i think i have herpe
just one?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
