maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
