i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
