The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize