My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
