the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
