he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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