I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
