Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
