Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
