The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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