he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
