Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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