Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
