omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
