I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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