omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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