Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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