I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
