So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
