even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
