About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
