whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
