remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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