so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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