So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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