So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
