Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
