I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize