all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
