Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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