birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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