So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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