I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
