remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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