Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
