so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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