Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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