Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
