u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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