I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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