And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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