i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
