This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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