i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
