So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
