why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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