Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
