the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
