I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
