Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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