I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
