Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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