i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
