My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
