Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
