Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
