Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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