Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
